The Almost Perfect Purchase

Now, when it comes to purchasing things, I am a bit… well, odd. I am never satisfied to just grab the first thing I see and go (need we revisit my bread choices in ‘Fun in the Bread Isle’?). So when I am looking to make a new purchase I make a list of the required criteria in my head that the product must meet. The product in question today is a box of bandages.

Here is my criteria and in order of importance as well:

1. Be made of cloth – I just think that the cloth ones work out a lot better due to their flexibility.
2. Come in assorted sizes – No one should ever need 100 bandages of the same size… That is, unless you have one of those fearless daredevil children. In that case, you might want to stock up.
3. Be relatively cheap – No cut should cost you $5.00.
4. They need to be Anti-bacterial – Now, this is low on the list simply because Anti-bacterial bandages are kind of hard to come by whilst still meeting the other 3 criteria.

After a long search, I finally found my bandages. Placing them in my medicine cabinet, they had patiently waited for a day just like this recent one when I cut my finger. I wrapped my finger in a cloth and stared to head to my newly purchased product.

Pulling one out, I was very satisfied that it met all 4 of my criteria. I put it on my finger and started to walk off. However, within seconds one of the sides started to peel up. “Oh, woops, I must not have pushed it down very hard.” I thought, and I gave it a good rub so it would stick to itself as I continued on my way. However, I didn’t even make it 5 feet before it came unstuck once more. Oh well, thanks to my 3^rd criteria I can just replace this defective one. Placing the new bandage on my finger it stuck better than the last, but not nearly as good as I was hoping, but I did not give my newfound disappointment much thought.

Later that night, after getting ready for bed, it was time to put on a new bandage. But after making it back to my room, I looked down and saw that this bandage, like its cousins before it, was not sticking. ‘What the hell?’ I thought. ‘Why aren’t you sticking to yourself? You have like one job… one job!!! You know what. It is fine, I will just put on another.’ Squeezing my new bandage tight I tried to go to sleep; after all, it’s not like I am going to be moving much in my sleep anyways.

However, as soon as morning came there was a stinging in my finger. Looking down I saw no evidence that there was ever even a bandage on my finger. I decided to get another one and use the restroom. Once I was in the restroom one look in the mirror revealed the true extent of my failure in this purchase. Stuck in my black hair was the bandage that once covered my finger.

New plan… Bandage plus duct tape!!!

(Sigh)

No product should suck so bad that you need to pair it with a different product to make it work correctly. From now on when buying bandages I have a new #1 in my search criteria… Actually work.