Fun in the Bread Aisle

So there I was. On my way home and so hungry that food was the only thing that was on my mind; I was craving a PB&J so bad I could almost taste it. But, like so many other times in life, I had no bread. As I weighed out my options for food, I saw no other way around it. This sandwich needs to be made! So, I took the next exit and pulled into Wal-Mart. Navigating the aisles like a pro, I wasted no time getting to the bread and I found my favorite brand. But wait?!? How can I be sure that I have the softest loaf possible for this sandwich that is no doubt going to be amazing.

Now when it comes to bread, you really can go wrong in your choice of a loaf. Since this is a product that spoils… and spoils badly. There are really only two ways to know that you are getting the softest loaf possible. The first way is to be in the know of what the color of twisty-tie on your particular loaf means (I will put some info on this at the bottom of the page). The bread companies made it so that when a loaf of bread is made on a certain day of the week it receives a certain color of tie for that day. Those bread companies are much craftier than most people give them credit for. The second option is to do what most of us do… Lightly press on the bread to see if it is soft.  Now the key to this technique is a soft touch. If you just go in there smashing bread then they are all going to feel pretty soft. I guess you also always have secret option #3, which is not caring. That is if you don’t spend the few extra seconds to try to find the ‘best’ loaf that the store has to offer… but for me and my money, if I can get the best then I want the best.

So there I was, softly squeezing the loafs, like I do every time I go to buy bread, and right when I thought that I had found the perfect loaf I heard a voice from next to me say “You know what I hate? When someone comes in and just squishes all the loaves of bread instead of just taking one.” I was a little surprised to hear this. I in no way felt that what I was doing was wrong. It wasn’t like I was opening the bread and trying a piece. My thoughts immediately began to run wild as to who this woman could be. She must be amazing to be able to look down on someone for trying to get the best loaf of bread they could. I thought that perhaps she was physically perfect like an angel… maybe she was the youngest doctor is history… or, a Noble prize winner… Maybe, her accomplishments were so large that I, and my desires for a soft sandwich were mere ants in the world that she lived in.

I looked over, prepared for anything at this point when I saw her, maybe 35, her face was that of a woman who started to smoke at age 12. Her body was like a bowling pin. She was wearing a wife beater to show off the impressive amount of fat on her arms and wearing short shorts to show off the dark varicose veins in her legs, which was clearly an early sign of bad blood circulation; most likely from sitting most of her life… This could also explain the blowing pin shape to her body. I heard a chuckling behind me, turning to look I saw what was most likely her husband. He was built like a mix between a hillbilly, an inbred and a guy who sweats all of the time but rarely from exercise. Standing a massive 5’5, and weighing in at buff 325 of pure stomach “muscle”. His glasses were crooked, his shoes had Velcro straps and what little hair he had, had not seen a comb in ages. It was hard not to be intimidated by this Spartan of a man.

The wife clearly knew that I heard her (how could I not, I was 3 feet away) and I could see that she was losing some of her courage as she stood with her head hung staring at a loaf of bread acting as if she were reading the most interesting book ever written, simply labeled ‘WONDERBREAD’. I smiled a bit, and then said kindly “You know what I hate?” Both of their faces dropped. Pale white, neither of them made any attempts to look me in the eye. I could see they were completely surprised. Almost as If they could not believe that I spoke the same language as them. The man started to puff up as if he intended to defend his wifes comment. I took a large step to close the gap between us. They both looked up at me. Face to face I lightly smiled as I said “Tomatoes.” and I walked passed them, out of the aisle with the softest loaf of bread in the store swinging from my hand.

I don’t know if they understood that the reason that they felt so stupid (and I am sure that they did) was my doing or not… either way is fine with me. I guess if there is a lesson to be learned it is this: Be careful what you say to others, because you never know what they are capable of saying back at you… even if they chose not to.

If you are interested in learning how the colored twisty-tie system on bread works, here is a website that will give you a pretty good idea. You can also always call your favorite bread company. If they do use the color code, they are always really good about sharing that information.

http://www.wisebread.com/breaking-the-bread-code-how-to-get-the-freshest-loaf